Thursday, February 21, 2008
Day at the beach / Josh.C
One day I was at the beach just minding my own bisinness munching on a big juicy hot dog when something big white and black dove down. Super fast and grabed into my big juicy hot dog and flue is fast as he could but i could not cach him. But i finily caught up to him but. He flue over the water so I swam after him splish splash. Then my mom yelled out YOUR TO FAR. As I was on my way back a big dark gray fin swimming very fast so I yelled for help and the life gared blew the wistile. Every bodey started runing out of the water. I found out it was a shark I was gone for one whole night I think my parents where weried about me.
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5 comments:
Josh,
Your story has shown great expansion since last time. You seem to have elaborated on some of your ideas.
A suggestion that might improve some of your writing might be to organize each separate idea with separate paragraphs.
You may also want to consider expanding on some of your ideas, such as the shark: be more descriptive.
Once you've improved on those areas, it will be time to revise spelling and grammar. Be aware of homophones and punctuation.
Hey Josh, that story was well written. It was very exciting. However, there were two things you could do to make an already good story great. You could check some of your spelling, and check where you placed your periods.
Dear Josh, it can be said that you have a great imagination, and you left us wanting more. However, it would be in your best interest to elaborate more on the conclusion.
Loved the green font.
Dear Josh, it can be said that you have a great imagination, and you left us wanting more. However, it would be in your best interest to elaborate more on the conclusion.
Loved the green font.
Sounds like a great day at the beach! I can see that you have a lot of ideas, and personality. My suggestion to improve on your writing is to watch your sentence fluency. Also you should add more details, tell me all about the hot dog theif.
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