Once there was a brother and a sister. The brother's name is Jacob and the sister's name is Jessy. Jacob and Jessy always went swimming in the beautiful blue ocean. They are really good underwater swimmers. Just like fish.
One day Jessy decided to go to the beach without Jacob.Well they lived in Hawaii where it is boiling hot outside all the time.what could stop her from going?Jacob was looking for Jessy.He looked at the mall where she is with her friends Tracy and Amy.She wasn't there!He looked in her beautiful bedroom. She wasn't there either! Where could she be? He looked in the kitchen where she was when she was eating peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches. Not there either! He looked in the den where she was when she was watching television. He still couldn't find her. Finally he looked at the beach and guess what? She wasn't there!!!
He went deeper and deeper into the clear blue ocean water.No Jessy!As he was looking, something very weird happened! He disappeared!!!
So when the mom found out that her kids never came home from the beach,She calledthecops. Right away!
As the cops look they get a call on there phone,and they have to leave.The phone call was that another cop found a murderer,and they need back up.
That made the mother think that the murderer killed the kids,because the cops couldn't find no boddies in the Ocean!
"No boddies.One murderer." The mother thought about that all night.Then when she woke up she called the cops and asked what the murderer's name was. They said "The murderer is Angus tumblestone.
The mother thought in her head,"Angus Tumblestone,Angus Tumblestone.Who could that be?He sounds familier."Then it popped into her head.Angus was the kids dad!So she went to the house of Angus and guess what she saw? The 2 dead boddies of her children!Jessy and Jacob.So she went to the jail place and she asked if she could speak to the murderer.The cops said yes,But be careful.She went to talk to him and asked him everything to do with the kids.She asked him "why did you kill the kids?He said it was because the mother left them.And she said that it was no reason to kill them.
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4 comments:
it is a good long story, but doesnt say what happens to the swimmers, at the end you should show that the swimmers didnt get lost at sea, but they were found ashore in a random part of the world, they are lost and must begin their adventure in a new part of the world.
We think your story sounds great so far. However you may want to clarify in more detail the two weeks while the cops are looking for the swimmers. You may also want to consider ending the story sooner because the last line does not really flow with the rest. Good Job!
Can you imagin if that really happened! Wow, great story and great details! Check your punctuation a little more though! Very exciting!
Hey Rachel!
You did a great job! Your story is very mysterious. We really enjoyed all the suspence. One thing that you could work on is adding even more details to increase mystery in the plot. This would help your readers to be more engaged. Once again, fantastic work!
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