Thursday, February 21, 2008
Moving Surprize /Jessy.S.
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh are you insane"!!!!!! yelled Ashley. "we cannot move I just became captain on our cheerleding squad" Ashley cried. Its only two hours away you can still see your friends" Her mom Jackie said. "does Amie Know" Ashley asked in a calm voice. "not yet" Jackie anserd." when are we leaving" Ashley asked. "tomorrow morning" jackie answered. "Ahhhhh i'm not going"Ashley scerreached, While running up the stairs. Then she through a pillow at her window sill.She calles herbest friend Allie to tell her she is moving in the morrning. An hour latter she hears the door slam, she runns down stairs. She runnes down staires wih tears running down her cheek. Her littel sister Amie Says. "are you okay" "no"Ashley said sadley. Jackie walks in the mud room were the girls are talking. "Why do we have to move"asked Amie? "your dads job has been transford it's in monction." jackie answerd."we better come and see my friends" Amie said to Ashley while walking up the stairs. The next day they packed up and left. " are we there yet?" Amie asked. "yes we are" there dad Paul answered in exitment. " finally" Ashley said. The house is 2 stories high 2 bathrooms 5 bedrooms and a beautiful backyard. "go look for your type of room" Jackie said. 3 hours later the girls were finished unpacking so they went out side. " lalalalalalalala" Amie was sining and dancing around the yard. "shhhhhhhhhh" Ashley sceereached at her hipper sister. "what" she said scared " what is it" " there is something in the trees" Ashley wisperd. the two girls went to investigate. Ashley moved the bush " oh my god" Amie laught
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3 comments:
You made your story so it could relate to a lot of other people that are in the same situation. I like that! Watch the words you use, threw and through are tricky to master! Also try to make your sentences more fluent. Great work!
Your story had a lot of interesting things in it. Your sentences fluency is good, but you tend to jump around a little. Your writing is getting better, keep on trying and it will be awesome.
Hey Jessy. You used plenty of words which make a sound similar to real life, which was great. We call this onomatopoeia. (Pronounced: On-Oh-Mat-Oh-Pee-Ya!) To improve, you might want to place pauses in the sentences by using commas. Also, some spellchecking would be great. The ending was great. I really liked it. It had a profound effect on me. It's like when you watch a movie that has a sudden ending that teaches you something deep about life. Jackie walks.
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