Thursday, February 21, 2008

Jared.L

I'm on a beach that has sky blue water with thousands of little pearly wite and brow hermit crabs on the floor of the ocean. There are the squaks of seagulls soaring over head. There's the laughs of children who have just dived into the water for the first time today. There are palm trees towering over everything.

"AHHHH" someone screamed. There is a huge tidal wave coming to shore . Everyone runs and trys to hold on to something. But it's too late . The wave crashes to the beach with a rumble . Everone is flying down the street. I grab a telephone pole and hold on tight. My hands slip. Now I am flying down the street. BAM! I slam into a building . I think I broke my arm.

The water finally clears. I look out to the shore, there is another wave comming. It's flying towards me. It hits me at full tilt. I fly down the road and hit my head on something, and that's the last thing I remember. I feel so luckey to be alive today .

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

This is very descriptive, and it gives you a very clear image about what is happening. I like this particular story, but if I may suggest, you could make it a little longer. Also I've noticed that you spelled the words white and brown wrong, but it probably just happened when you typed it up and put it on the blog. Overall this a great story, but like I said if it was a bit longer it would be twice as good.

Anonymous said...

This was a wonderful story Jared.The idea was great and you were going the right way with the story.

Maybe you should so tell us what happened after the tidal wave. What happened to the people on the beach, what happened to the main character? This would make the story better than it allready is.

Anonymous said...

Hi Jared, your story was fantastic. I like how your words showed me what was happening; your imagery was great. For example I liked the description - "pearly white and brown hermit crabs". If you want to improve on that though, I think you could do so by going even further with your descriptions before the tidal wave. Maybe you could tell me what you were doing and what the people on the beach were doing before the wave came. Great job bud!

Anonymous said...

This story is very descriptive! Your ideas are great and well organized. The only thing that I would suggest is to put more of a conclusion at the story. What happned after the tidal wave for instance? Other than that though, great job!

Anonymous said...

What happens next? What a great ending to leave the readings wondering what will happen next. It wasnt too long but what was there was great. Make it a little longer it will be even better.

Anonymous said...

An excellent piece of writing! I enjoyed how you went from one paragraph about a nice beautiful day at the beach, to chaos and destruction in the next. I suggest you extend your ending as right now you have a huge cliffhanger with no conclusion. If the boy loses grip of the pole, people will be wondering what is happening!

Anonymous said...

Hey Jared!

You have an awesome imagination! When you described the beach I felt like I was right there. Remember, to look up words in the dictionary if you're not sure if that's how it's spelled. But, I was just wondering... What happened after the tidal wave, and the main character? I'm absolutely dying to know! Anyways, you show great work and effort, so keep up the great work!