One day there was a tiger name Max. Max went out to get a deer for lunch, but the deer runs away before he gets to catch it.
He gets mad because his brother caught one of the deer out of the pack. His brother makes fun of him because he never catches a deer. He also makes fun of him because he is slow, he is fast. His brother has friends and Max doesn’t have any. Max goes out and climbs a tree. A deer walks under the tree and doesn’t see Max in the tree. Max jumps down and kills the deer. When Max goes back with the deer his brother asked how he got the deer ? Max told him that he climb a tree and the deer came under the tree then he jump down killed it. Max eats the deer by him self.
The next day he went out to catch a deer. He sees a deer and he starts to run to catch the deer. He runs and catches the deer. His brother is happy for Max for catching the deer. Max meats lots of friends the next day. He shows his new friends his hiding place.
He gets mad because his brother caught one of the deer out of the pack. His brother makes fun of him because he never catches a deer. He also makes fun of him because he is slow, he is fast. His brother has friends and Max doesn’t have any. Max goes out and climbs a tree. A deer walks under the tree and doesn’t see Max in the tree. Max jumps down and kills the deer. When Max goes back with the deer his brother asked how he got the deer ? Max told him that he climb a tree and the deer came under the tree then he jump down killed it. Max eats the deer by him self.
The next day he went out to catch a deer. He sees a deer and he starts to run to catch the deer. He runs and catches the deer. His brother is happy for Max for catching the deer. Max meats lots of friends the next day. He shows his new friends his hiding place.
4 comments:
I am glad to see that you took some of my comments into consideration. My only suggestion is you should try and make your sentences flow a little better. But other than that you have a good idea and should continue to elaborate on the topic.
Note on moral values- The tiger kills a deer and makes friends? Is this the message your trying to get across, that killing is good and to be praised? Though Tigers killing deers is natural, do not try to teach people that killing is right. Just like this comment is to you, you may teach little children some day, do you wish for children to believe in these ideals? Do you want children to think killing is right, because they look up to you, Do you treat them this way, by demolishing their humanity. Your writing is not bad, but it just doesnt seem to get any real point across. Killing is BAD
You have excellent ideas, & a good start on your story as well. I was impressed with how imagineative was. My suggestion is that you watch your tenses, and add more detail.
Well, Mr. McKenzie. That story was great! You really put some great time and effort into it, I can tell. The sentences were nice: short, clear, and to the point. I like how you used the short sentences to create a feeling, but a longer one once in a while would be cool. The only real thing I think you should work on is your verb tenses, some words might require an "ed" or other ending to make them fit right.
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