Johnny The Ferret
One day there was a small brown ferret named Johnny, he loved to live in a big house in Saint John. Johnny was really smart and clever. But one day he was home alone, he did not want to be home alone because he was scared that someone could brake inn. But Johnny always locked all the doors and windows and hid, in his old cage up stairs in the closet. Until his owners Michelle and Chris came home and he knew he would be ok. Michelle was short with long blond hair and was really smart, Chris is tall and has black hair and was smart but not as smart as Michelle. One day Michelle said to Johnny that whey would me going camping this weekend and that Johnny would come with them so when Chris came home they stared packing Johnny packed his water bottle, blanket, paint, shirts and more. They packed it all in the car, and off they went. They were all most there and Johnny said "are we there yet" "no" said Chris then they drove up a long road they came to a brown office that said New Canes. Michelle went in and they gave her a key she came out and said "camp 6" so Chris drove down a road and came to a camp that said "1" then "2", "3", "4", "5", "6" "there there number 6 look look" said Johnny "ok ok Johnny" said Chris. He parked the car and they went in it was a brown wood cabbin with trees every were it was Beautiful they went in and put all there stuff away and went for a walk it was 9:00. Johnny was really tired so he had some hot chocolate and went to bed. The next morning Johnny was the first one up and Chris and Michelle were in bed so Johnny went for a walk, he could not be gone long because Chris told me never to go any were alone but Johnny said to him self " what could happen". Johnny went out the door and into the woods after about 15 mintues he looked around and wanted to go back to the camp. He could not find his way back on he sat down on a tree stump and looked around again and he saw something it was a dog a big black with white pawed boxer. He looked mean
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4 comments:
Good Job! Your story improved a lot since last time. You're very good with your quotation marks. The only thing I would change would be a bit more punctuation, your sentences are a little long. Overall it's really good.
Your story flows very nicely from one event to the next, like when Michelle goes to get the cabin key and when they count the cabin numbers as they drive past. You are also very descriptive when describing things like the colour of the cabins and how Johnny is smart and clever, and is afraid of someone breaking into the house. It helps the reader better understand the characters and their surroundings.
To improve your writing, you should add more periods to your sentences, so the reader can better understand your story. Put them at the end of sentences where you would stop speaking if you were reading your story out loud.
You should also give some of Michelle and Chris' characteristics like you did for Johnny. This could give the reader a better understanding of your characters.
Keep up the good work. I think you have a good idea for a story. The only thing I suggest would be to shorten up your sentences a little bit. That will help you to keep your ideas organized. Your story was getting interesting near the end and I hope to get a chance to read the rest.
We think your story has great ideas and a good start. You should consider adding a few more periods to make your sentences shorter. You may want to tell us more about Johnny and the dog. Can’t wait to read the rest.
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